Full circle

Four years ago, in walked a girl to my Spanish class to talk about El Salvador.  But because God is good and His plans are infinitely better than mine, my life changed that day.  Plans were put into motion that I didn't even have a heart for.  It wasn't just my life that changed that day, but many.

What happened next found me emailing strangers asking if I could come and visit them in Uganda.

All because of one girl, her willingness to share her stories and experiences, and contacts.

Truth is I don't even remember what she said to me.  But it must have been magical because by the end of that summer I was quitting my job and preparing to leave.  Everything that has happened since that day, has been a result of meeting her.  Had we never met, I doubt I would be where I am now.

Of all of the ND students that could have come, God sent her.  There is no other explanation than Divine Intervention.

And now, here we are so many years later...

For the past 5 months, it was her that was living at the home and helping.  Life came full circle.  She gave me the idea and I ran with it. She came to see what she had inspired.

This week she had to leave suddenly and go back to the US 4 months ahead of schedule.  In the 5 months she was here, the boys fell in love with her totally and completely.  She taught them so many things and loved them completely.  She mended broken hearts in ways that I couldn't.   She was the friend that I desperately needed.  Someone that I can talk to honestly about these boys, my frustrations and feelings and know that the boys won't be judged negatively because she knows them and loves them too.  A friend to just do life with, so I am not alone in a house of stinky, teenage boys.  Someone that understands the insanity of my life, because it was hers for a time also.  Someone that got my jokes and we could laugh until we cried over the absurdity of nothing and everything.  Someone that appreciated the small victories with me and pained over the failures.

Most importantly, she proved that these boys are changing.  I never thought that there would be a day when they opened up and let someone else in.  But they did.  As she told us she was leaving, I watched the boys' hearts break.   While you never want to see your kids' hearts break, it brought relief, but then fear.  I watched a boy that used to be cold and distant, not letting anyone in, cry as he told her he was going to miss her.  I watched a boy hide under the table so no one could see him cry.  They felt something.  They let themselves love.  For these boys that is HUGE.  Proof that they are changing and things are going to be ok.

It isn't often in life that we get to see it come full circle.  But here it did.  In Uganda.  And I don't doubt that it will keep spiraling back around and around.

What if you were never hugged?

Sometimes we are all moving along and everything is great and I think we are all on the same page and then, a semi hits me.

I forget things that I grew up knowing without having to think about them.  I forget that even though others may think I had an unfair childhood, it was actually pretty easy and I can’t really say that I suffered.  I forget that compared to these kids, I can’t say that I suffered at all.  I forget that I was loved as a child and someone sacrificed everything for me, but no one has done that for these kids.  I forget that I grew up with unconditional love but for these boys, it is a very foreign concept.

Last Monday morning started off in such a good way.  Everyone was happy, in a good mood, getting chores done.  There were no problems.  The day before, I went to a different church than normal.  Usually, I go to church in the city and many boys come along.  Afterwards, we go to the grocery store and get a snack, usually really delicious cake.  When I went to the local church, and cake wasn't an option, some boys didn't come with me so I teased them that they only went to church for the cake.  That changed their mind and they ran after me to church.  On Monday, one of the boys came into my room.  He talks so much and is so wise.  He is one of the boys that is closest to me and always wants to be with me.  He told me that it was crazy of me to think that the only reason that the boys came to church with me is cake.  He said that would mean that the only reason that boys stay at home is because I feed them.  So I teased him and said we should do an experiment and I will stop buying food and we will see who stays around.  He laughed and told me no matter what happens, whether there is food or not, nothing could make him leave me or the home.

If there is an author writing this story of mine, that would be called foreshadowing…

By the end of Monday, he was gone and my heart ripped out.

I didn't believe he had really left and I didn't believe that he would be gone for any amount of time.  Unfortunately, Tuesday passed and he didn't come home.  Wednesday, it was setting in that maybe he was serious.  I was in Kivulu looking for another boy and decided to go and find him.  As I was walking down to where I thought he would be, he was on the path walking towards me. 

We talked and talked and talked.  Nothing I said, changed his mind.  Finally, when I started to cry, he just walked away.  So I left and went home.  A few hours later, a boy said he had a visitor that wanted to see me.  My heart screamed with joy.  I knew God had answered my prayers.    I saw his foot and almost screamed.

I was sure he was home, until he opened his mouth.  The first words were, “I’m not staying.  I just forgot something.”  Again we talked and talked.  The more we talked, the more I lost hope that he would ever be home with me again and I wondered how I could live knowing he was suffering.  With every word he said, my heart broke more.  Finally, I lost it and began sobbing and he walked away again, only to never come back. 

Or so I thought…

He did come back on Thursday, but I was out of town and didn't see him until Friday.  When I got home and we finally talked, he told me the problem was he promised me too much and he wanted to make sure he was in the right place with the right people to make those promises.  He basically didn't believe I loved him enough to be worthy of such a promise of never leaving me.

So he needed to test me and my love for him.

He told me that many people had said that they loved him so much, but they would have never done for him what I did.  He really thought, I would let him go and that would be that.  I wouldn't care.  I wouldn't miss him.  I wouldn't be sad.

But I went to find him.  I cried for him, not once but twice. He said no one but his mother had ever cried for him.

I told him I was sorry that so many people in his life have hurt him and disappointed him that he couldn't believe me when I said I loved him more than anything.  I told him that I was sorry he could trust my love.We talked for a long time, about so many things.  I hope now he knows how much I love him and when I say I will do anything for him, I hope he knows I mean it.

I forgot that these kids don’t know what it is to love and be loved.

As if I needed another reminder of it, another boy came to talk to me last night.  He hates being hugged.  I’m not really even sure he likes to be touched at all.  It is a rare day, when he will come out of nowhere to touch me on my shoulder or hug me.  He just isn't affectionate.  We were talking about many things last night, mostly school and his future, and I think he also doesn't trust enough in my love for him.  He thinks there is going to come a day, when he leaves and that is it.  He kept telling me that things change and he needs to be prepared.  He doesn't believe I will always be there for him because no one ever has.  Even though, time and time again, I have fought for him and stood with him even when it brought serious consequences, he thinks there will come a time when I will leave him.  I reassured him and promised him, but maybe it isn't going to be enough.  We are just going to have to make it through all of our days with all of these boys and then they will see.  

I also asked him why he hated to be hugged.  What he told me killed me.  He said, “I didn't grow up with my mom or dad.  I only played with other small boys.  I never played with adults.  I never got a chance to play with my mom or dad, or aunt and uncle.  You are the one that showed me these things, that hugged me.  It is not bad, but I still am not used to it.”

Can you imagine, growing up never being hugged???  Being 13 or 14, the first time anyone showed you any affection???

It is a reality for these boys and thousands of others living on the streets around the world.  We want to show these boys love and give them a new life but can’t without your support.  We can’t bring more boys home, to the first loving home they have ever had, without you.  Visit our Etsy store to purchase jewelry that pays a woman a fair wage and then supports the boys, have a fun night hosting a jewelry party with your family and friends to support the home and get a beautiful piece of jewelry as a thank you, or visit our website to see the boys that still need sponsors.  These boys need you.  I hope you will stand with us and do something to help them.

Every thing is going to be okay

Everything is going to be fine.

Everything is going to work out. 

We will look back in 10 years and laugh.

Everyone is going to be fine.

We are going to make it through.

These are all things that I tell myself, every day.  Even when I don’t believe them, I still tell myself.  Because I have to believe them.  I have to make it through to the next day.  I have to have hope.

Some days, I don’t know what is going on.  I just found a quote last week that said when your kids are teenagers you have to have a dog so someone will be happy to see you.  It is true.  The dogs, one in particular, are always the happiest to see me.  I was even teasing the boys of the exact thing a few days before I found the quote.  I was telling them that the dog was my best friend and the only one that is ever happy to see me.  They laughed and told me I was crazy. 

Crazy?  Some days.  Maybe.

Teenagers are crazy and unpredictable.  I never know what is going to make them angry.  They are unreasonable and irrational.  Try talking sense to them and you will want to cut your arm off instead because it might be less painful.

But then…

There are moments of pure bliss, where everyone is happy and smiling and laughing and finally everything is right in the world.  You think to yourself, “Life can’t get any better than this.”  You see the sun rise and set in their smiles and you realize you were all created for this moment, for this time and God brought you together for moments like these.

Having fun at Moses' birthday party

Moses with the statues outside of our church

Richard and me.  Like the necklace?  It is going to be on our  Etsy page next week.  Check out the other new jewelry the boys have been working on also.  

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Sylvester at the beach when Jenna's parents came.  He still needs 3 sponsors so he can officially join the home.  Will you say "YES!" and give him a future?  Visit www.lot2545.org/donations for more info. 

Playing at the beach

Jacob at home

Playing at the beach

Moses, one of the newest boys at the house.  He still needs 2 sponsors.  Will you be the

 

 one to change his life and help send him back to school?  Visit www.lot2545.org/donations for more info.

Don't judge a book...

A few days ago I was in town with 2 of the boys.  Kampala is a crazy city.  There are so many people everywhere.  People are selling things.  They are begging.  They are shopping.  They are going here or there.  The amount of people and chaos is overwhelming.  Out of control overwhelming.  Sometimes I love it but sometimes I want to get out and never go back.  Things aren't easily situated either, for the most part.  You can’t just go to a store like Walmart or Target and get everything you need at once.  First you go to one building, then to another, and so on and so on until your errands are done.  Sometimes it is easy because you know the area of town you need to go to if you want to find a certain thing, but when you have so much to do, it can be exhausting because you have to visit many places. 

I think this particular day we had been in the city for maybe five or six hours and were all exhausted.  As we were walking back to the taxi park, where we have to go to find a mini bus that takes us back to our village, I was in my own little world.  There were people everywhere and while I was aware of them, I didn't really take notice.  One of the boys was walking about an arm’s length away from me on my left and the other a few steps behind me.

My little world was shattered by a woman’s voice.  I heard what she said but it didn't make sense to me at first.  It took a moment to register.  When it finally did, I was still like “WHAT???”  She told me to keep my bag, meaning to hold it better and guard it.  Between me being in my own world of thoughts and the ridiculousness of what she was implying, I know I had the craziest look on my face.  So I replied to her, “He’s my son, but thanks” as I reached out and grabbed the arm of the one next to me.  It was then her turn to be shocked as she stuttered, “Oh!!  I thought…” 

As I grabbed his arm and pulled him close to me, we turned to the taxi park.  I told him sorry and he asked what she had said.  I know heard and I know he understood her.  When I told him it was nonsense, he replied, “Are you sure?”  We continued on to our coaster and went home and left that lady behind.  But I know he understood her and I am sure it hasn't left his mind.

It isn't an infrequent occurrence that people stop me in town and warn me about the boys.  Whether they want to point out that I am unsafe by being around them or that they are going to rob me when I am not looking.  Even today, someone told me that I was walking with a bunch of bad guys.

I admit, some of these boys are pretty intimidating.  Like you might cross the street at night if they started walking towards you, intimidating.  It is ironic that I take comfort in the exact thing people warn me about them.  I have never felt safer than when I am with them, especially the boy from this story. I know that they will all protect me, no matter what.  I don’t fear being robbed or anything when I am with them.  I know that I am always safe.  They will protect me no matter what.

Maybe I should feel bad that people think the boys are nothing but common street thugs.  And in a way, I do.  I feel bad for them.  It is like they can never escape their past.  They have made great strides to change and some are completely different, especially the boy from the story.  I feel bad that people still insult them and don’t give them a chance.  I feel bad for the people insulting too because you cannot find people with softer hearts than these boys.

We decided that instead of going to church for Christmas, we were going to be the church.  We were going to follow Jesus’ example and serve and give.  One of our friends was having a party for the boys on the street on Tuesday, so we woke up early to go and serve them.  On the way, one of the boys found a small boy that was clearly lost and looked confused.  He stopped to talk to him and ask where his parents were.  He was a street kid but he must have just arrived and was still lost and scared.  He tried his best to get the boy to come with us but in the end, the boy refused.  I wonder how many people have passed by that boy without so much as a word or offer of help.  But my “thugs” stopped to try and help him.  When we got to the party, the boy from the story helped to cook and do whatever was needed for 7 hours so his friends on the street could have a nice day and a good meal.  Anytime I tried to do anything, he would say, “No, let me do it.”  The other boys helped too.  Washing dishes, fetching water, running errands.  You name it, they did it.   My “thugs” that everyone is afraid.  

At the end

You know the saying, "Separation makes the heart grow fonder"?  Well in our case, it is true.  I think....

The boys have been on holiday since the end of November and we are driving each other crazy.  

Literally. 

The honeymoon period of having me back is definitely over.   We have moved on to real life and it is hard.  Like the most difficult thing I have ever had to do  hard.  In my fairy tale world, I somehow magically expected 23 hurting, broken boys to fit into my perfect little children box that I had created for them.  Memo to me, its never going to happen.  And so, last week I got a rude wake up call.  It was particularly difficult.  Everything we could think to fight about, we did.  It left us all frustrated and feeling like we were failures as a parent.  (Ok, maybe that is just me.) But nonetheless, we are all frustrated.

Living with hurting people, is really difficult.  This past week, I realized why no one wants to deal with the older boys.  Before last week, I only knew it in theory.  But the ridiculousness that I had to deal with made me want to run for the hills or the US or actually anywhere that wasn't home.  I was at a place where I just couldn't take one more temper tantrum, one more person ignoring me or one more disagreement.  I was at the end.

Thankfully, right when I was about to snap, I saw what was important.  God gave me 2 really good days and the break from the chaos was so needed and welcome.  Four boys that I had been fighting with all weekend over a majorly bad choice of theirs, finally calmed down and we were able to have a real conversation and come to an understanding about their consequences and why I was so hard on them.  They saw I wasn't being unfair and biased and they even apologized, which they swore to me they weren't going to do.  When I asked them why they had changed their minds about apologizing and talking to me again, they responded "Because we missed you.  We didn't want to be away from you any longer."

Thank you Jesus.  I needed that.

On Monday, one of the boys that I first started with had a birthday.  He turned 16.  We had a birthday party for him and as everyone told him why they loved him (part of our parties is to appreciate the birthday boy and tell him things we like/love about him.) the smile on his face made my week.  We almost didn't make it.  He almost didn't make it.  Over the last 3 years, I almost lost him many times.  I was the only one that believed in him and had to beg people not to give up on him and to give him another chance.  Everyone told me he wouldn't change, and there was even a time when I believed the same thing.  But I loved him enough that I kept trying.  I have cried more tears over him, than any other.  And to finally celebrate a birthday with him, was the best gift I could get this holiday season.  When we cut the cake, he asked me to cut it with him. Seems simple, but its a huge honor.  Afterwards, I wanted to talk to him to tell him how proud I was of him and how much I loved him.  I told him I was so happy he stayed in the house because I knew that it wasn't easy.  I told him I was so proud of the boy he was becoming and that I knew that he had a great future ahead of him.  I told him I loved him so much and I was happy he was in my life.  Being a 16 year old boy, I figured he would hate all of the gushy, mushy stuff and be like whatever but instead, he said that he liked hearing it and I should tell him more often because it made him feel better.

Thank you Jesus.  I needed that.

It has happened time and time again.  Just when I think my heart cannot take anymore, there is a break and the boys are angels.  Just when I think the money is going to be over, it is there.  I know God is in control of this whole journey, and I am so grateful He is because I know that I cannot do it on my own.  

What do you wake up for?

Continuing with the themes from the book, “Nothing but a Thief”, the author at one point says she asked one of the boys the question, “What do you wake up for?”.  It made me stop and think.  The boy’s answer was difficult to read.  He told her that he tried to stay asleep for as long as he possibly could into the day, but eventually his hunger got the best of him and forced him to wake up and go and steal to get something to eat.  It made me think about a life where I had nothing to wake up for.  I can’t imagine such a life, but for these boys it is reality.  It is their every day when they are on the street.  Their hunger is what drives them to move out of the spaces they sleep, forces them to steal, even to take drugs.  In Peru, like many other countries, street kids take glue.  They inhale it or smoke it.  In Uganda, I have never seen a boy sniffing glue because here they sniff kyenge (expired aviation fuel).  Just like glue, it dulls their hunger, keeps them warm at night, eases their fears and takes away their emotions.  I don’t know much about addiction, but at least with the boys I know, I don’t think their addictions are physiological.  I think they are psychological.  A boy can come into a home and quit taking kyenge cold turkey.  He can be fine and not ever want to take it again until something brings up the past or something bad happens to him.  When things get too much for them that is when they go back to their kyenge, to make them not feel anything again.

After I thought about the boys and the ones still on the street, I had to find my answer.  What do I wake up for?  I think the obvious answer is the boys.  And it is true.  I do wake up every morning because of them.  They make my days worth it.  They make my days better.  They make my life better.  They make me laugh with their ridiculous notions and jokes.  They make me cry tears of happiness and joy, as well as sorrow and heartbreak.  They challenge me to be a better person: more loving and giving, more forgiving and considerate.  They teach me how I deserve to be treated and how worthy I am of love.  They protect me, care for me, help me, love me. 

I stop to think about them and their brokenness and how I hope to love them enough each day that they hurt a little less, but when I really think about it, they have done the same for me.  I see Jesus in them every day.  I wonder how I survived 30 years of my life without them in it.  When I stopped to think about my answer, I also realized how lucky I am to have a reason to wake up each morning.  I realized that many people in the world are not as fortunate.  I wake up each day with joy to spend another day doing what I love with people that I love.  Not everyone is so lucky.  I think about life before Uganda.  I didn’t have a bad life.  I had friends, a job, everything was fine.  However, every morning I dreaded waking up and going to my job (probably why I was late every morning). Even though I had everything I needed, I didn’t have a reason to wake up.  It makes me sad for all of the time wasted but I know had I came to Uganda 5 years ago, or even 10, I wouldn’t have been ready and these kids wouldn’t be the ones in my life.  The other night at devotions, our new uncle JP, asked the boys if they thought they were in the home by mistake.  While some of them didn’t get the question, most of them did.  They saw God’s hand working in our life and bringing us all together.  It is still incredible to me that God would know what would make my heart come alive and give my life meaning long before I did.  It is amazing to me that God knew these boys that would be in my life, long before I even knew Uganda existed.

For some of the boys, they are still working to find their reasons.  They had no reason for so long and have forgotten what it is to dream and have hope.  One boy in particular, is so fatalistic, he refuses to make any decisions about his life or have any dreams.  I don’t think he even knows what it is to dream.  When we ask him what he wants to do or be, he answers “I don’t know.  God knows.  Whatever He has planned is fine.”  He still doesn't get that he has all the opportunity in the world now.  If he wants to be a doctor, it could happen.  If he wanted to be a pilot, it could happen.  But instead, he sits and waits for life to happen to him. 

It is one of the most frustrating things because how do you teach someone to dream when they gave up their dreams long ago?  How do you teach someone to hope, when the streets robbed them of their hope years ago?  How can you teach someone that God has good plans for them, when they cried out to God every night for years, and finally gave up because they were convinced He wasn't listening?  How do you teach someone to take an active role in making life happen, when they had life happen to them in horrible ways at a young age?

I don’t know the answers to any of those questions.  I don’t know if I will ever have the answers but what I do know is God gave me reasons to wake up every morning.  He placed them in my life for a reason and has called me to love them.  I know I won’t change them or give them hope, but I can love them.  So each day, I will love them and continue to pray He will take care of the rest.  I also pray that I will never wake up forgetting how lucky I am to finally have a reason to wake up.

Beautiful things

I have started reading “Nothing but a Thief” by Danielle Speakman.  She worked with street kids in Lima, Peru.  I was drawn to the book because even though I feel like I somehow know the boys at home, I don’t feel like I know enough about street kids in general.  I wondered if certain things were just characteristics of these boys, or of all street kids.  I wondered if life was the same for kids on the street everywhere.  What I am realizing is the country is unimportant.  From the stories she shares, these boys could be boys in Peru and the boys in Peru could be here in Uganda.

The boys don’t always like to share about their lives on the streets.  Especially now that they have been removed from that environment, many of them want to forget that they were ever there.  They go to extremes to forget their past life and I cannot say I blame them.  When you ask them about their life or their story, they never give specifics.  They will only offer that they suffered or were beaten.  They don’t speak with emotion, but rather like they are recounting about a movie they once saw.

Even though the boys refuse to share specifics, I can guess what has happened to them.  I see the scars on their hearts and feel their anger as they lash out.  I experience the aftereffects of years of abuse and trauma.  I don’t need to hear the specifics to know that they are broken inside.  I have started reading these books to know how to help the boys better.  I know that there are people smarter than me and with more experience, and I figure I owe it to the boys to find all of the information possible to help them.

In the book, she tells about a boy that she realized was always around but she just noticed him that particular day.  I can say that the same thing has happened to me many times.  I can think of two boys, Willy and Jimmy, at least that that was the case with but I know there were others.  They were always around but something made me notice them on particular days and from that moment, I was in love.  She hasn't explained why she thought she finally noticed him on that particular day, but for me I know it was God that opened my eyes to them.  He let me see them when He knew I was ready to see them.  God’s timing is always perfect, and I saw them at the exact time when they needed to be seen. 

It is comforting and disturbing at the same time to know that there are other people around the world, working with boys like these ones, experiencing the exact same things that I am.  It is disturbing because I know only a small portion of these boys’ stories, but yet I know how gravely they suffered.  Multiply that suffering by all of the other boys, in the world, on the street and it seems unimaginable that the world can function with that much pain…

I tried to explain to someone today about my laptop and how I wasn't angry at the boy.  I tried to explain that his behavior was a result of suffering and everyone in his life betraying him but she couldn't get it.  It isn't easy allowing brokenness into your life, but beauty that comes out of it is so worth it.  I think you can only understand that when you let the brokenness in and see the redemption first hand.  I know that in time, this boy will come around again.  We will love him even more than we did before and eventually, he will believe he is worthy of the love.  He will begin to heal and trust.  Things will be different for him, because we never gave up. 

In the book, she talks about waiting for a certain boy to meet her and him refusing to show up several times.  Each time he had an excuse and each time her heart broke.  She equated it to how God waits on us.  He is waiting for us day after day, but each day we disappoint Him.  We come just close enough but then run away or make excuses because our shame is weighing us down.  It makes sense.  This boy is so hurting and broken that he doesn't believe that we really love him or maybe he does know and that terrifies him more because he doesn't believe he deserves it.  Whatever the reason, I will continue to wait because I know beautiful things will even come from him.