I should have been bold

Yesterday I went to speak at a high school about Uganda and the boys.  After I was done talking, the kids had the opportunity to ask me questions.  I was expecting the same questions as always, "Have you seen an elephant?, Do you have a phone?, etc." but instead, one girl had amazingly thoughtful questions for a 14 year old.  She asked me, "How do you make it through all of the bad stuff and keep going?  Where do you find the strength?"  It is amazing to me that she even realized times were difficult, and some days at the end of the day, I feel so hopeless and wonder what on earth I am doing.  I wonder how she knew because I didn't talk about the hard times.  I didn't talk about my doubts or my fears.  I told them how amazing the kids were.  But she somehow knew...

And I missed an opportunity. An opportunity to tell her, I don't have the strength.  I barely make it through most days.  Some days I want to run so far away, just to make it all stop. I didn't tell her that some days I think it is just too much and I can't manage.  Most importantly, I didn't tell her I don't because I serve a mighty God that gives me all of the strength I need.  Just when I think my heart can't take anymore, He heals it just for it to be broken again the next day.  Just when I want to run for the hills, He works in one of the boys and I am reminded why I am there.  Just when I think I don't have the strength to do one more thing, He fills me up with His love, so I can keep pouring it out to the boys. 

I know it isn't my own doing.  I know it isn't my own strength that I rely on each day.  I know it is only through Him that any of this is possible.  But I missed my chance to tell her that.  I missed the chance to tell her, what an amazing God I serve and I have hope because of Him.  Hope for a future and hope for change.  I missed the chance to tell her that times are difficult, but even in the difficult times He is there holding us up and pushing us on, and even in the difficult times there is beauty. 

I regret not telling her.  I should have.  I should have been bold in my faith and not afraid to say it, even though we were in school and you aren't supposed to talk about religion in school.  But now you all know.  It isn't me.  It is only God's grace, mercy and love that helps me to get through each day.  Without Him, I would be nothing.  Without Him, I would fail miserably and would have run away a long time ago.  Without Him, I will never make it....