Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Where I am

“My people have been lost sheep;
    their shepherds have led them astray
    and caused them to roam on the mountains.
They wandered over mountain and hill
    and forgot their own resting place."  Jeremiah 50:6

Where am I?  Lost.

It has taken me two days of fasting to figure that out when the signs were there all along.

What am I lost from?  Good question.

What I do know is that I haven't been spending enough time with Him.  I have been working on my own and relying on my own strength.  When I should know that I am not strong enough, smart enough, brave enough, wise enough...I think you get the idea.

On my own, I am not enough.  I should know this.  The only reason that I am anything is because I was wonderfully created by an everlasting God that loves me unconditionally and suffered and died to save me.

I am flawed and broken.  I make the wrong choices, hurt people, I am selfish, say the wrong things.  Again, you get the idea. But lately, I have realized I felt like I was enough.  I thought it the other day, but today I realized fully what that meant.  I have let people's kind words and them telling me I am amazing make me think that I am strong enough on my own.

So here I have been, working on my own, building my own kingdom, instead of His.  I think my heart was in the right place.  I mean I love the boys more than anything and even in my selfishness that hasn't changed.  But I forgot that they weren't mine.  I forgot that God has been sustaining them this whole time.  NOT ME.

And I am humbled and feel like a moron.

I forgot that I am lucky to a part of the boys' lives, not the other way around.  God called me to these boys and to Uganda, not because He needed me but because it was His gift to me and I have been completely taking advantage of it.  I have been trying to micro-manage every single part of what is happening in Uganda from thousands of miles away and then I get stressed out and angry and kind of go crazy because people aren't doing what I want.

What I want.  When did it become about what I want?  Never.  But somewhere along the way, I made it about me, when it should always be about Him.  He is the only one that matters and the only one I should be worried about pleasing.

I have been keeping myself busy with nothing, instead of listening to Him.  I have doubted and worried, when I know I shouldn't.  I should know that God is in control and He has everything under control.

For the last few months, time and time again I have put my hope in people and their promises to help.  Time and time again I have been disappointed.  Today I realize my only hope should have been in my Savior that loves those boys more than I can even begin to understand.  My hope should be in knowing that He is lighting fires in people's hearts for these boys and soon he will reveal them.

Today, I am putting my faith and trust back in Him, knowing that is the only place it should be.  Today I am repenting for my selfishness and ego, and thinking I could do it all on my own.  Today I am resting is the wings of my Lord knowing He has everything under control.  Today I am humbled knowing I am an idiot but my God loves me anyway.

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