Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Maybe I know...

Coming back to the US this time was very different than the first time.  When I left Uganda in September, I was ready for a break.  I was ready to fit in and just be.  I was ready to not be an outsider and I was ready for people to stop looking at me.  However, it wasn't long after I was back that I started to miss the kids terribly and wanted to be back in Uganda.

I finally made it back in January and when I left at the beginning of March, I wasn't happy I was leaving.  I think I prayed, actually begged God, to work a miracle to keep me in Uganda with the kids.  It didn't happen and I had to get on the plane and say good bye to my family.  A lot had changed in a little over a month.  I woke up to the shouts of boys outside my door telling me to wake up so they could see me before school.  I learned how to cook on a charcoal stove, because I loved them that much.  I fell more and more in love with the kids each day we spent together.  So when I had to leave at the beginning of March I was heartbroken.  Some of the boys were so upset, they refused to even say goodbye to me.  Others begged me not to go.  But I had to, I didn't really have a choice.

The separation hasn't gotten any easier.  In fact, I'd say it has gotten worse.  Here I am again, ready to go back, but unable to.  I talk to the kids and every time one of the first things they ask is when am I coming back.  They tell me they miss me and want me back now.  They tell me they love me and call me mom.  And my heart breaks...Every day, every time.

None of us seem to understand why I am not in Uganda when that is the only place that I want to be.  I spend every day trying to find sponsors or churches to partner with, just so I can go back.  And every day, I seem to fail.  Every time, I tell the boys I am sorry I don't know, I am still trying to find you sponsors.  And every time their response is but I miss you.

Figuring there has to be a lesson to learn in all of this because it doesn't make sense why God would call me to these kids and then keep me from them.  I started to think....

I realized, maybe this is how God feels.  He so desperately wants to be with us, have a relationship with us and be close to us but we ruin it every time.  We are so far away from him by the choices we make or our actions and His heart breaks because all He wants is to be with us,  His children, and He can't.  He longs to have us near, to be able to hold our hands and tell us that He loves us, but we're so far away He can't.  He wants to have an active role in our lives and be there to hug us or wipe away our tears, but we stay so far away, He can't.

I don't know that it is fair to compare my heartache to God's.  I know His hurts way more, but being away from the kids is by far the worst heartache I have ever had to go through, and I have had my fair share.  All I want is to be there every morning when they wake up to tell them have a good day at school and I love them.  All I want is to hug them and tell them I love them and believe in them, I know they can change.  All I want is to love them enough everyday so whatever pain they are feeling grows a little less with each passing day.

For now, I must do it from afar and trust that they know how much I love them until I am able to go back.  Just like God, pours all of His love out for us every single day and just waits on us to come back to Him...

I pray both will happen soon....

 

2 comments:

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  2. Amanda, this is absolutely beautiful. I pray you will get back to Uganda. How beautiful it is to have God's love so understood. Continue to do what you do Amanda, God will get you back there, it just has to be on his time. I will pray that you find the sponsers you need and I wll do whatever I can to help you. God bless and what you are doing is absolutely amazing!

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