Chasing

I went for a walk yesterday afternoon in my neighborhood.  I had my route all planned out.  I had taken it many times before.  It was such a sunny day yesterday, I just wanted to get out and enjoy.

So off I went.

About 20 minutes into my walk, I walked past a house with a dog in the front yard.  I had seen the dog many times before but usually there are no problems because it has an electric fence.  So when it leaped and bounded towards me, I didn't think twice.  I greeted it and continued walking.

Then it followed me into the street and ran past me.  It came running back and jumped on me, and then ran away again.  It ran into another house's open garage so I thought maybe I was confused and didn't really know the dog and continued on with my walk.

Then it came chasing after me, in the middle of the road, and ran ahead of me.  I kept calling to it trying to get it to come back, but it refused.  When I got close, it ran farther away.  It would run close, but just far enough out of my reach, and then take off again.

I should mention, it was about a 70-80 pound dog.  It was a good size and full of energy.

At this point, I felt responsible for the dog and getting it home.  So I kept going after it, of course with no luck.  By this time, we were far from its house and my attempts to catch it were not working.  I was frustrated and ready to leave it when a car came whizzing by and made me realize it is going to get hit.

So I kept chasing it.

It came to a house with other dogs and stayed at the fence barking at the other dogs.  The dog behind the fence was a huge rottweiler and I was a tad afraid to approach the fence for fear that my face might be ripped off.  So I stood on the edge calling it.

Nothing.

Then a man approached walking a dog and the dog came bounding towards us.  Still couldn't catch it.  This was at least 15 minutes since I passed its home.

Finally the man got it, and then I offered to walk it home.  I almost fell and broke my neck twice because the dog had NO TRAINING.  I was holding it by its collar and it pulled me the WHOLE WAY!  Then it just stopped in the middle of the street, laid down and would not get back up.

I was so over this stupid dog at that point, I almost left it there.  But a girl came out of her house and offered me a treat to entice the dog back home.  She ensured me it worked for her.  So then the dog was running after my hand, almost ripping it off until we made it to its driveway.  It stopped again so I threw the treat into the driveway and we went chasing after it and stopped in middle of driveway.

I heard voices, so I yelled hello.

No answer.

The dog was not budging from its spot and I was not letting go.  I was steps away from the door.  Finally, I dragged the dog to the door and rang the bell.  The man answered.  I asked if that was his dog.  He asked if she had gotten out.  I said yes and I chased her all the way over there, pointing my finger.  He begins to yell at someone in the house about how the dog doesn't have its collar on, says thanks, and shuts the door in my face.

Today my shoulders and back hurt from dragging and running with that stupid dog hunched over.  Not to mention the crazy contortions I had to do to avoid it tripping me and almost breaking my neck.  My nice walk was ruined.  I was dirty, my shoes were dirty, I was covered in dog hair, and I was kind of annoyed that all I got was a haste thanks and a door shut in my face.

If only that man new what I had to do to save his dog from an untimely death...


I see God a lot these days.  In the normal, boring, basic stuff of life.  After I got home, I started thinking.

I am like that stupid, stupid dog.  Keep running for no apparent reason, even when Someone is trying to help.  Just stay on my own little joyous run through the neighborhood, all the while He is telling me to come back.

I am like that man.  Slamming doors in Someone's face, unaware and ungrateful for all He has really done for me.

And still He chases after me.  Actively pursues me.  Tries to make me understand, He wants a relationship,  He won't give up,  He won't disappoint me,  He won't let me down, He won't hurt me, He will give me a safe place.  Even when I don't appreciate all He has done and scream about all He isn't doing.  Even when I get close enough for Him to embrace, but take off again on my own mission, He keeps chasing.  Even when I am not thankful, He still provides.

I am sure that many times recently God has said, "If she only knew..."

Thankfully, He never gives up.  He keeps chasing...

Running away

When I started this journey, I expected my heart to be broken on a daily basis.  I think I would wonder what was wrong with me if it wasn't.  But sometimes...

Sometimes it hurts more than other times.  Sometimes it feels as if it is breaking into so many pieces that it will never be whole again.

Today would be one of those days.

My heart has always been for the older boys on the street.  When I look at them, I can't even describe what I see.  I think they are amazing.  To have survived on their own for so long...

It doesn't come without a price though.  It isn't easy for them to trust or connect.  It isn't easy for them to love or be loved.  They don't know how to live with other people or function in a home.  Basic life skills, never learned.  So many things, they don't know.  One of the most difficult things to overcome is having to actually face their problems.  On the streets, they can fight or do drugs or drink or go and watch an inappropriate movie.  They can do so many things to not have to face life.  When they come into the home, they can't escape.

It is overwhelming.

Sometimes they can't handle it.

Small things become BIG things.

Big things become HUGE things.

And then they leave.

They run.

They run back to a life where they don't have to deal with anything.  They make excuses as to why the home isn't a good place.  They create stories just so they don't have to deal with reality.  They go back to a life where they struggle and are abused.  They go back to a life where no one loves them just so they don't have to love or take a chance.

The only coping mechanism they have ever learned is to run and avoid.  If something is too difficult on the streets, there are so many things to distract them.  For kids that have been so traumatized, it is the best environment for them...according to them.  They don't have to think about any of it.  They can just dull it away with whatever is near.

Over the past week, the small thing became big, which became huge which caused him to leave.  I thought he would come back by now, but he hasn't.  He is running.  From what?  Not sure.  But it definitely isn't over the silly things he was arguing about at home.

Now he is back on the streets and refusing to come home.  He knows how much we love him.  He knows how lucky he is to have a home and food everyday.  He knows what an amazing opportunity it is to go to school.  He knows he doesn't belong on the streets.  He knows the streets are going to lead him nowhere.

But it isn't enough.

He was alone for too long and suffered too much.  I don't know if he will ever come home.  I don't know if he will ever stop running.  And for that my heart is broken. Into so many pieces.  Because home isn't home without him. I love him dearly.  But it isn't enough.  It could even be what pushed him over the edge.  Who knows?

God does.  He saw every terrible thing that happened to him.  He was with him every night he spent alone.  He loved him before I even knew him.

Why is it we always choose to run away?

I was reminded this morning that God loves him way more than I do.  I was encouraged by at least he tried to live in a home.  We all knew it wouldn't be easy for him, but we tried anyway.  I would try a million more times for him, if it would work at least once.  When we moved into our first home, I thought I was going to lose him before the first night was over.  When I woke up and he was still home, I was so happy.

God kept him with us for almost 4 months.

So much longer than I ever expected.

I know God can bring him back.

Please be praying that he would come back home.  Please pray that he would be safe while he is on the streets.  Please pray that his heart would heal.  Please pray that he won't stay gone for long.  Please just pray for him.