Respect

Sometimes I think the culture here is too much to overcome.  If you have been following Uganda in the news recently, it is one crazy bill after another being passed over seemingly senseless things when there are real problems and issues that need to be addressed.

Living in a culture where women are second class citizens can be exhausting and infuriating.  Men will cut you in line because they think they should be first.  They will say the most offensive of things because they think that you don't deserve respect.  That is just the beginning...it goes downhill from there.

But at home, I try really, really hard to teach these boys differently.  But sometimes I think that the culture of this country is too much for little, old me to overcome.  Many times my views and opinions are dismissed not only because I am a woman but also because I am an outsider.  They can be swept aside by simply saying she doesn't get it, she isn't from here.  Which is totally true.  Many things I will never get because even if I die in Uganda, I will still die as an outsider.

What doesn't help the situation of trying to teach these boys to be different than the rest of the men in Uganda is they have, for the most part, never had a kind woman in their life.  The person that sent them to the streets?  Usually a step-mom, mom or grandma.  The people that were ruthless to them on the streets?  Women.  So how do I teach these boys that have only been persecuted by women to have respect for women?

Great question.

I fail to answer it properly everyday.  I just try my best to show them endless and unconditional love and pray that it is all going to be fine.

But some days, I get so frustrated because when I feel like we are making strides forward, something happens and they behave just like everyone else.  And I feel like I am failing and it is too much and they have been exposed to the bad behavior for too long and nothing is going to change.

That is how I felt a few days ago and when I was on the verge of tears, one of the boys came into my room.  His English isn't the best still, but he is always checking on me and making sure I am fine.  When we don't know the words to say to each other, we just sit there.  If you saw him, you would definitely be afraid, especially if it was late at night and in a dark alley.  He is taller and more muscular than your average Ugandan, or most men for that matter.  If we are playing around and I try to prevent him from passing me, he simply picks me up and moves me to where he wants me.  If we arm wrestle, I have to put my whole body on his arm to just try and move it.  But he is like a gentle giant.  A huge teddy bear.  Incapable of hurting a flea.

So just as I was convinced that the boys were doomed to making terrible choices and incapable of respecting women and their future wives were going to be miserable and it was all my fault (I'm a bit dramatic, I know...), he came into my room and sat down.  He looked at my feet and saw that they were filthy.  I commented that I knew that and I needed to wash them.  His response was to get up, get a basin of water and proceed to wash my feet and scrub them with a pumice stone.

At that moment, I knew that everything would be fine.  The boys do make mistakes.  They do let the culture overtake them sometimes, but underneath they have hearts of gold and their future wives and children are going to be lucky. 

I thought she would be happy...

Two weeks ago at church, our pastor told us about one of the boys on the street that comes to church.  He was especially out of control that day and when she stopped him to find out why, he told her that he just found out that his aunt had died several months back.

Most, no probably all, of the boys would rather be at home with their families than with me.  They did not choose a life on the streets.  They did not choose to be born into a family that wouldn't cherish and love them.  Every single one of them wishes they would have never had to spend a single torturous night or day on the street.  No matter what happens with their families, that chance to have their wish come true-to be a loved and cherished part of their families-will be taken over and over again, even if it ends badly.

I want to protect these boys, but sometimes I can't.  I want to keep them locked up at home, so they don't have to face anymore pain from this world.  Not only is it not possible, they are all bigger and stronger than me, but it isn't practical either.  The world is a cruel place which they know all too well.  They have suffered more in their short lives than most people would in ten.  But what kills me the most is when they suffer again at the hands of their families.  When once again, their families are let back into their lives, and they fail to see the amazing and wonderful young men these boys have turned into.  I just want to shake them, or maybe punch them.

The story from church really upset one of the boys and all Sunday and Monday he was super down until he finally told me why.  I told him it was fine and he shouldn't worry about his mother.  I reassured him that she was fine and he could go on the weekend to visit her.  He had seen her several months back but was worried because she is getting older.  I didn't even think that there would be any problems with a visit back home.  He talks a lot about his mom and she seems to be a well put together person.  She seems to be reasonable and even kind.  I knew the problem was an older brother and the mom feels like she has to defer to him because he is the one providing these days.

So off he went last Saturday to his village.  No great goodbye because he was supposed to be home on Monday for school.  He called me and told me he reached his grandma's house and he seemed so happy to see her.  His grandma was fine and happy to see him.  He told me she was cooking for him and then he would go on to his mom's house.  We said, "I love you" and hung up the phone.  A few hours later he called me sounding so sad and told me he would be home on Sunday.  He told me that he couldn't stay and that I shouldn't worry because he was fine but he would see me on Sunday.  Of course I immediately thought the worst and started to worry. 

When I got home from church on Sunday, I was so happy to know he was back.  It was like I could breath again.  It was only one day, 24 hours, but it seemed like an eternity.  At first, he didn't want to say what happened.  When he finally did, he told me about how his mother just yelled at him and his brother wanted to fight.  They said horrible things to him and blamed him for things that weren't in his control.  In the saddest voice ever he told me, "I thought she would be happy to see me."  How I didn't burst into tears at that moment, I am not sure.  I reassured him that I loved him more than anything and I was so happy to see him and he would always have a home with me.

He never wants to go and see his mom again and I don't blame him.  It breaks my heart because this boy is going to change Uganda.  He is so smart and kind.  He hurts for those hurting and breaks for the injustices in the world.  He is the wisest 16 year old I know.  One day, many lives are going to be impacted by his.  They will know love and compassion because of him.

The same thing happened to another boy.  He came back from the village so sad because he said his mom wasn't happy to see him.  I don't understand how anyone could not want these boys.  They drive me absolutely crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't trade a single one of them for all of the gold in the world.  When they are gone, I miss them.  When one of the boys made the choice that he didn't want to live here anymore, I could hardly breath and couldn't get out of bed.  I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest.  I just don't get how their families can live without them.

God can use even the worst of situations to bring Him glory.  I see that happening.  I know it is going to happen.  These boys know pain.  They know suffering.  And one day, God will turn it into a great story of redemption and healing.  I don't know why they have to suffer now.  They even ask "why?" and I don't have an answer, but God's plans are good and I trust that.  I know His plan was to bring them into my life long before I even knew Uganda existed.  And I know the plans He has for all of us are greater than any pain or suffering we are feeling at this moment.  So for now, I will love the boys in my care and pray that God will continue to heal their hearts and their pain would become awesome stories of healing and redemption.  Would you pray for that also?

Full circle

Four years ago, in walked a girl to my Spanish class to talk about El Salvador.  But because God is good and His plans are infinitely better than mine, my life changed that day.  Plans were put into motion that I didn't even have a heart for.  It wasn't just my life that changed that day, but many.

What happened next found me emailing strangers asking if I could come and visit them in Uganda.

All because of one girl, her willingness to share her stories and experiences, and contacts.

Truth is I don't even remember what she said to me.  But it must have been magical because by the end of that summer I was quitting my job and preparing to leave.  Everything that has happened since that day, has been a result of meeting her.  Had we never met, I doubt I would be where I am now.

Of all of the ND students that could have come, God sent her.  There is no other explanation than Divine Intervention.

And now, here we are so many years later...

For the past 5 months, it was her that was living at the home and helping.  Life came full circle.  She gave me the idea and I ran with it. She came to see what she had inspired.

This week she had to leave suddenly and go back to the US 4 months ahead of schedule.  In the 5 months she was here, the boys fell in love with her totally and completely.  She taught them so many things and loved them completely.  She mended broken hearts in ways that I couldn't.   She was the friend that I desperately needed.  Someone that I can talk to honestly about these boys, my frustrations and feelings and know that the boys won't be judged negatively because she knows them and loves them too.  A friend to just do life with, so I am not alone in a house of stinky, teenage boys.  Someone that understands the insanity of my life, because it was hers for a time also.  Someone that got my jokes and we could laugh until we cried over the absurdity of nothing and everything.  Someone that appreciated the small victories with me and pained over the failures.

Most importantly, she proved that these boys are changing.  I never thought that there would be a day when they opened up and let someone else in.  But they did.  As she told us she was leaving, I watched the boys' hearts break.   While you never want to see your kids' hearts break, it brought relief, but then fear.  I watched a boy that used to be cold and distant, not letting anyone in, cry as he told her he was going to miss her.  I watched a boy hide under the table so no one could see him cry.  They felt something.  They let themselves love.  For these boys that is HUGE.  Proof that they are changing and things are going to be ok.

It isn't often in life that we get to see it come full circle.  But here it did.  In Uganda.  And I don't doubt that it will keep spiraling back around and around.

What if you were never hugged?

Sometimes we are all moving along and everything is great and I think we are all on the same page and then, a semi hits me.

I forget things that I grew up knowing without having to think about them.  I forget that even though others may think I had an unfair childhood, it was actually pretty easy and I can’t really say that I suffered.  I forget that compared to these kids, I can’t say that I suffered at all.  I forget that I was loved as a child and someone sacrificed everything for me, but no one has done that for these kids.  I forget that I grew up with unconditional love but for these boys, it is a very foreign concept.

Last Monday morning started off in such a good way.  Everyone was happy, in a good mood, getting chores done.  There were no problems.  The day before, I went to a different church than normal.  Usually, I go to church in the city and many boys come along.  Afterwards, we go to the grocery store and get a snack, usually really delicious cake.  When I went to the local church, and cake wasn't an option, some boys didn't come with me so I teased them that they only went to church for the cake.  That changed their mind and they ran after me to church.  On Monday, one of the boys came into my room.  He talks so much and is so wise.  He is one of the boys that is closest to me and always wants to be with me.  He told me that it was crazy of me to think that the only reason that the boys came to church with me is cake.  He said that would mean that the only reason that boys stay at home is because I feed them.  So I teased him and said we should do an experiment and I will stop buying food and we will see who stays around.  He laughed and told me no matter what happens, whether there is food or not, nothing could make him leave me or the home.

If there is an author writing this story of mine, that would be called foreshadowing…

By the end of Monday, he was gone and my heart ripped out.

I didn't believe he had really left and I didn't believe that he would be gone for any amount of time.  Unfortunately, Tuesday passed and he didn't come home.  Wednesday, it was setting in that maybe he was serious.  I was in Kivulu looking for another boy and decided to go and find him.  As I was walking down to where I thought he would be, he was on the path walking towards me. 

We talked and talked and talked.  Nothing I said, changed his mind.  Finally, when I started to cry, he just walked away.  So I left and went home.  A few hours later, a boy said he had a visitor that wanted to see me.  My heart screamed with joy.  I knew God had answered my prayers.    I saw his foot and almost screamed.

I was sure he was home, until he opened his mouth.  The first words were, “I’m not staying.  I just forgot something.”  Again we talked and talked.  The more we talked, the more I lost hope that he would ever be home with me again and I wondered how I could live knowing he was suffering.  With every word he said, my heart broke more.  Finally, I lost it and began sobbing and he walked away again, only to never come back. 

Or so I thought…

He did come back on Thursday, but I was out of town and didn't see him until Friday.  When I got home and we finally talked, he told me the problem was he promised me too much and he wanted to make sure he was in the right place with the right people to make those promises.  He basically didn't believe I loved him enough to be worthy of such a promise of never leaving me.

So he needed to test me and my love for him.

He told me that many people had said that they loved him so much, but they would have never done for him what I did.  He really thought, I would let him go and that would be that.  I wouldn't care.  I wouldn't miss him.  I wouldn't be sad.

But I went to find him.  I cried for him, not once but twice. He said no one but his mother had ever cried for him.

I told him I was sorry that so many people in his life have hurt him and disappointed him that he couldn't believe me when I said I loved him more than anything.  I told him that I was sorry he could trust my love.We talked for a long time, about so many things.  I hope now he knows how much I love him and when I say I will do anything for him, I hope he knows I mean it.

I forgot that these kids don’t know what it is to love and be loved.

As if I needed another reminder of it, another boy came to talk to me last night.  He hates being hugged.  I’m not really even sure he likes to be touched at all.  It is a rare day, when he will come out of nowhere to touch me on my shoulder or hug me.  He just isn't affectionate.  We were talking about many things last night, mostly school and his future, and I think he also doesn't trust enough in my love for him.  He thinks there is going to come a day, when he leaves and that is it.  He kept telling me that things change and he needs to be prepared.  He doesn't believe I will always be there for him because no one ever has.  Even though, time and time again, I have fought for him and stood with him even when it brought serious consequences, he thinks there will come a time when I will leave him.  I reassured him and promised him, but maybe it isn't going to be enough.  We are just going to have to make it through all of our days with all of these boys and then they will see.  

I also asked him why he hated to be hugged.  What he told me killed me.  He said, “I didn't grow up with my mom or dad.  I only played with other small boys.  I never played with adults.  I never got a chance to play with my mom or dad, or aunt and uncle.  You are the one that showed me these things, that hugged me.  It is not bad, but I still am not used to it.”

Can you imagine, growing up never being hugged???  Being 13 or 14, the first time anyone showed you any affection???

It is a reality for these boys and thousands of others living on the streets around the world.  We want to show these boys love and give them a new life but can’t without your support.  We can’t bring more boys home, to the first loving home they have ever had, without you.  Visit our Etsy store to purchase jewelry that pays a woman a fair wage and then supports the boys, have a fun night hosting a jewelry party with your family and friends to support the home and get a beautiful piece of jewelry as a thank you, or visit our website to see the boys that still need sponsors.  These boys need you.  I hope you will stand with us and do something to help them.

Every thing is going to be okay

Everything is going to be fine.

Everything is going to work out. 

We will look back in 10 years and laugh.

Everyone is going to be fine.

We are going to make it through.

These are all things that I tell myself, every day.  Even when I don’t believe them, I still tell myself.  Because I have to believe them.  I have to make it through to the next day.  I have to have hope.

Some days, I don’t know what is going on.  I just found a quote last week that said when your kids are teenagers you have to have a dog so someone will be happy to see you.  It is true.  The dogs, one in particular, are always the happiest to see me.  I was even teasing the boys of the exact thing a few days before I found the quote.  I was telling them that the dog was my best friend and the only one that is ever happy to see me.  They laughed and told me I was crazy. 

Crazy?  Some days.  Maybe.

Teenagers are crazy and unpredictable.  I never know what is going to make them angry.  They are unreasonable and irrational.  Try talking sense to them and you will want to cut your arm off instead because it might be less painful.

But then…

There are moments of pure bliss, where everyone is happy and smiling and laughing and finally everything is right in the world.  You think to yourself, “Life can’t get any better than this.”  You see the sun rise and set in their smiles and you realize you were all created for this moment, for this time and God brought you together for moments like these.

Having fun at Moses' birthday party

Moses with the statues outside of our church

Richard and me.  Like the necklace?  It is going to be on our  Etsy page next week.  Check out the other new jewelry the boys have been working on also.  

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Sylvester at the beach when Jenna's parents came.  He still needs 3 sponsors so he can officially join the home.  Will you say "YES!" and give him a future?  Visit www.lot2545.org/donations for more info. 

Playing at the beach

Jacob at home

Playing at the beach

Moses, one of the newest boys at the house.  He still needs 2 sponsors.  Will you be the

 

 one to change his life and help send him back to school?  Visit www.lot2545.org/donations for more info.

Don't judge a book...

A few days ago I was in town with 2 of the boys.  Kampala is a crazy city.  There are so many people everywhere.  People are selling things.  They are begging.  They are shopping.  They are going here or there.  The amount of people and chaos is overwhelming.  Out of control overwhelming.  Sometimes I love it but sometimes I want to get out and never go back.  Things aren't easily situated either, for the most part.  You can’t just go to a store like Walmart or Target and get everything you need at once.  First you go to one building, then to another, and so on and so on until your errands are done.  Sometimes it is easy because you know the area of town you need to go to if you want to find a certain thing, but when you have so much to do, it can be exhausting because you have to visit many places. 

I think this particular day we had been in the city for maybe five or six hours and were all exhausted.  As we were walking back to the taxi park, where we have to go to find a mini bus that takes us back to our village, I was in my own little world.  There were people everywhere and while I was aware of them, I didn't really take notice.  One of the boys was walking about an arm’s length away from me on my left and the other a few steps behind me.

My little world was shattered by a woman’s voice.  I heard what she said but it didn't make sense to me at first.  It took a moment to register.  When it finally did, I was still like “WHAT???”  She told me to keep my bag, meaning to hold it better and guard it.  Between me being in my own world of thoughts and the ridiculousness of what she was implying, I know I had the craziest look on my face.  So I replied to her, “He’s my son, but thanks” as I reached out and grabbed the arm of the one next to me.  It was then her turn to be shocked as she stuttered, “Oh!!  I thought…” 

As I grabbed his arm and pulled him close to me, we turned to the taxi park.  I told him sorry and he asked what she had said.  I know heard and I know he understood her.  When I told him it was nonsense, he replied, “Are you sure?”  We continued on to our coaster and went home and left that lady behind.  But I know he understood her and I am sure it hasn't left his mind.

It isn't an infrequent occurrence that people stop me in town and warn me about the boys.  Whether they want to point out that I am unsafe by being around them or that they are going to rob me when I am not looking.  Even today, someone told me that I was walking with a bunch of bad guys.

I admit, some of these boys are pretty intimidating.  Like you might cross the street at night if they started walking towards you, intimidating.  It is ironic that I take comfort in the exact thing people warn me about them.  I have never felt safer than when I am with them, especially the boy from this story. I know that they will all protect me, no matter what.  I don’t fear being robbed or anything when I am with them.  I know that I am always safe.  They will protect me no matter what.

Maybe I should feel bad that people think the boys are nothing but common street thugs.  And in a way, I do.  I feel bad for them.  It is like they can never escape their past.  They have made great strides to change and some are completely different, especially the boy from the story.  I feel bad that people still insult them and don’t give them a chance.  I feel bad for the people insulting too because you cannot find people with softer hearts than these boys.

We decided that instead of going to church for Christmas, we were going to be the church.  We were going to follow Jesus’ example and serve and give.  One of our friends was having a party for the boys on the street on Tuesday, so we woke up early to go and serve them.  On the way, one of the boys found a small boy that was clearly lost and looked confused.  He stopped to talk to him and ask where his parents were.  He was a street kid but he must have just arrived and was still lost and scared.  He tried his best to get the boy to come with us but in the end, the boy refused.  I wonder how many people have passed by that boy without so much as a word or offer of help.  But my “thugs” stopped to try and help him.  When we got to the party, the boy from the story helped to cook and do whatever was needed for 7 hours so his friends on the street could have a nice day and a good meal.  Anytime I tried to do anything, he would say, “No, let me do it.”  The other boys helped too.  Washing dishes, fetching water, running errands.  You name it, they did it.   My “thugs” that everyone is afraid.  

At the end

You know the saying, "Separation makes the heart grow fonder"?  Well in our case, it is true.  I think....

The boys have been on holiday since the end of November and we are driving each other crazy.  

Literally. 

The honeymoon period of having me back is definitely over.   We have moved on to real life and it is hard.  Like the most difficult thing I have ever had to do  hard.  In my fairy tale world, I somehow magically expected 23 hurting, broken boys to fit into my perfect little children box that I had created for them.  Memo to me, its never going to happen.  And so, last week I got a rude wake up call.  It was particularly difficult.  Everything we could think to fight about, we did.  It left us all frustrated and feeling like we were failures as a parent.  (Ok, maybe that is just me.) But nonetheless, we are all frustrated.

Living with hurting people, is really difficult.  This past week, I realized why no one wants to deal with the older boys.  Before last week, I only knew it in theory.  But the ridiculousness that I had to deal with made me want to run for the hills or the US or actually anywhere that wasn't home.  I was at a place where I just couldn't take one more temper tantrum, one more person ignoring me or one more disagreement.  I was at the end.

Thankfully, right when I was about to snap, I saw what was important.  God gave me 2 really good days and the break from the chaos was so needed and welcome.  Four boys that I had been fighting with all weekend over a majorly bad choice of theirs, finally calmed down and we were able to have a real conversation and come to an understanding about their consequences and why I was so hard on them.  They saw I wasn't being unfair and biased and they even apologized, which they swore to me they weren't going to do.  When I asked them why they had changed their minds about apologizing and talking to me again, they responded "Because we missed you.  We didn't want to be away from you any longer."

Thank you Jesus.  I needed that.

On Monday, one of the boys that I first started with had a birthday.  He turned 16.  We had a birthday party for him and as everyone told him why they loved him (part of our parties is to appreciate the birthday boy and tell him things we like/love about him.) the smile on his face made my week.  We almost didn't make it.  He almost didn't make it.  Over the last 3 years, I almost lost him many times.  I was the only one that believed in him and had to beg people not to give up on him and to give him another chance.  Everyone told me he wouldn't change, and there was even a time when I believed the same thing.  But I loved him enough that I kept trying.  I have cried more tears over him, than any other.  And to finally celebrate a birthday with him, was the best gift I could get this holiday season.  When we cut the cake, he asked me to cut it with him. Seems simple, but its a huge honor.  Afterwards, I wanted to talk to him to tell him how proud I was of him and how much I loved him.  I told him I was so happy he stayed in the house because I knew that it wasn't easy.  I told him I was so proud of the boy he was becoming and that I knew that he had a great future ahead of him.  I told him I loved him so much and I was happy he was in my life.  Being a 16 year old boy, I figured he would hate all of the gushy, mushy stuff and be like whatever but instead, he said that he liked hearing it and I should tell him more often because it made him feel better.

Thank you Jesus.  I needed that.

It has happened time and time again.  Just when I think my heart cannot take anymore, there is a break and the boys are angels.  Just when I think the money is going to be over, it is there.  I know God is in control of this whole journey, and I am so grateful He is because I know that I cannot do it on my own.