Saturday, December 31, 2011

Funny stuff

I wanted to post something funny instead of all of the serious stuff that I am always posting. It is a long post but full of funny stories. So here goes...

Since I have been home, I have been taking public transportation(the bus).  Now, if you are from a big city you may not understand how the bus system works in a smaller town.  Taking the bus here is not like taking the bus in Chicago.  It is usually inconvenient and doesn't always run when you need it to.  Instead of every 10 minutes or so, it might be every 30 minutes or an hour.  Also, here, to ride the bus announces to the world your life is in some sort of ruin (This is a stereotype that almost everyone here has.).  Since it is not convenient only the people that are desperate ride it.  That means the drunks, drug addicts, people with DUIs, teens, convicts, you get the idea...and me.

Waiting for the bus I get many looks and riding the bus I experience many things.  I keep joking that I am going to write a book with all of my stories, but for now, here are the top 10.

10.  There is a certain bus driver that is so grumpy and mean, literally every time I have gotten on his bus, he yells at me for something, usually because he doesn't like where I was standing. One time, I was standing in the exact spot another bus dropped me off at! 

9.  I was at the transfer station downtown standing in line waiting to get on the bus.  There were two people standing right next to me talking very loudly.  It was obvious that they had just met and had exchanged numbers.  I hear the girl telling the guy she is going to call him. I turned my head and the guy says to me, "What? Do you want my number too?  Let me give you my number.  You want it?  I hear you listening to us.  You must want my number too!"  Um...NO!

8.  I was on the bus and there was a lady sitting across from me.  We stopped and picked up another lady and she sat down across from me also.  We stop again and another lady gets in and sits next to me.  She realizes she knows one of the ladies across from me so she moved next to her.  She sat very close to the other one, so that lady then moves next to me.  The two ladies across from me are talking about the one's son and girls chasing after him when the friend announces, "I know they say you ain't supposed to hit a woman, but if she that dumb you need to slap some sense into her." Really? WOW!

7.  I was heading home from a craft show and had a back pack, another bag and a poster board with me.  I get on the bus first and 2 ladies get on right after.  One sits across from me and one next to me.  I could already tell that the ladies were a little off/slow.  The one across from me started asking me why I had so many bags, so I told her.  Then she said how she liked my earrings and asked where I got them.  I told her Africa.  She looks at the other lady and says, "Did you hear that?  She is from Africa!"  The other lady says to me, "Oh wow!  So do they sound like us when they talk? I mean I can understand some of the words you are saying, but not all of it."  I was speaking English!

6.  I was leaving the Farmer's Market and was standing waiting on the corner for the bus.  It isn't unusual for me to see people in their cars, look at me and start saying something to the other people in the car.  I can only imagine what they are saying, but I am sure it is creating a story as to how my life has gone drastically wrong.  So when I was waiting I saw this happening.  I could see the driver but not the passenger, but I could tell they were looking at me.  When the light turned green, and the cars started to move, I could finally see the passenger.  As the car drove past, I saw it was someone I actually knew and was friends with until we had lost touch.  Instead of waving as they drove by, she instead gave me the saddest smile that said, "I'm sorry your life is a mess but I don't really want to acknowledge that I know you or stop and ask if you need help."  Sigh....

5.  Riding the same bus home all the time, people start to look familiar and then they are convinced they know you.  I was standing waiting for the bus and a guy that rides the same bus says he thinks he knows me.  I assure him he doesn't.  We kind of chat but then another girl screams at him from afar and comes over and starts talking to him.  He tells her about his fiance and then asks if she knew they had a baby.  She informs him she didn't, so he offers a photo.  She then says, "Oh my gosh!  Look at her.  She's so f@#$*&^ cute!  Look at her f%$#@&* red hair!  How f^%#@$& cute!"  Yeah he was shocked too!

4.  I was trying to get to the post office one night before it closed and I should have known as soon as I got on the bus it was going to be bad.  Someone had dropped a milkshake right at the door of the bus.  The driver was very concerned but did nothing to clean it up.  She just warned everyone that it was there.  There was also a coin on the floor that was causing further chaos.  One person gets on the bus and tries to pick it up and hand it to the driver and she quickly tells him to put it down.  A kid is then running to catch the bus, gets on, sees the coin and goes to pick it up.  The bus driver tells him to put it down, but he doesn't understand why so doesn't.  She then yells at him to put it down and he still doesn't.  So she shouts, "I told you to put it down!  Drop the coin, now!"  He drops it but is then annoyed that she yelled at him so they start screaming at each other.  He goes to his seat but they are still sparing back and forth and then he says a cuss word.  I don't even remember hearing it but I know he did because then the bus driver says to him, "You have one more chance and then I am calling the police to the bus."  Yep, all over a coin.  Did I mention the kid was probably 13 or 14?  Yeah...

3.  This wasn't on the bus but on the South Shore on the way back from Chicago.  We are making the stop in Michigan City when this lady starts running through the train car screaming, "Baby, wait!  Wait baby!  I don't live here no more.  I live in South Bend.  Baby!  Wait!"  She then takes off her hat and starts shaking her hair and says, " See baby.  I live in South Bend!"  What hair has to do with South Bend I am not sure but then she starts walking back to her seat and says, "I just got loud in here."  Really, you think?  She then sits back down and continues talking loudly so everyone can hear.  She asks the man next to her if he wants to do a word search with her and says how she knows the train driver is so tired.  When we are about 10 minutes from the airport, she gets up and starts walking to the door and says, "This is South Bend?  Is this South Bend?"  No one really answers her because she has been talking to herself the whole time and she gets annoyed by this and says, "What? None of y'all going to answer me? Oh ok." and then starts mumbling to herself, sits down, and then gets up and walks to the next train car.  Thank goodness!

2.  Yesterday, I was standing at the corner waiting for the bus.  As always, people are starting and I can see them talking, and I try not to make eye contact with anyone.  I am just trying to get home.  I notice the car at the light but don't pay much attention to it.  A few moments later, there is a guy standing in the parking lot of a business behind me talking to me.  It was the car that was just at the light.  The guy asks if he can offer me a ride.  Now, maybe I have watched too many Criminal Minds, but I am sure this is how people end up dead, so I tell him thank you but no.  I inform him the bus is coming and I am fine.  He says, "Oh ok! Happy holidays!  Have a good day!"   Did he really think I would say yes??????

1.  My best story comes from today.  I was waiting to get on the bus and this guy comes up to me and starts talking.  After a few minutes it is obvious that he is either crazy or high on something.  He starts telling me how beautiful I am and asks me about my shoes.  He tells me I should have a hat on the same color of my shoes and then I would be "head to toe".  ?????  He keeps talking to me and saying all sorts of things including screaming at his friend that he should look at me.  Thankfully, for me not them, 2 other girls walk up and so he starts talking to them.  He tells the one girl no wonder she can't keep a man, her eyes are crazy!  Then he asks her last name and she tells him, "Uh, none of your business."  He asks her why she said uh like she forgot her name, never mind the none of your business.  He decides to leave them alone and starts talking to me again.  There was a guy that seemed to have very low vision standing next to me. The crazy guy says very loudly even though he thinks he is trying to whisper, "Is that your husband?"  When I tell him no, he asks why he is standing so close and I just shrug.  He then says, "because he's blind."  What he doesn't realize is its because I keep moving over towards the other guy to get away from him!  He then announces that he is a bad boy and asks me if I have ever heard of a bad boy and if I want one.  When I tell him no, he says, "Oh you only like the nerdy guys!"  At this point I was ready to start screaming like the other girls for the bus driver to hurry up!  The other guy is announcing the crazy one is high as a kite and the crazy one just keeps going.  He then asks me if I go to the dentist a lot?  I think I hear him wrong, because that is weird, but I didn't and I say sure.  Mind you, he is missing several of his teeth and almost all of the front ones.  He then points to this old lady and says, "I bet she was beautiful once.  Look at her now."  Then he goes back to announcing he is a bad boy and it is his birthday.  Thankfully the bus driver came and I ran on. 

Hopefully the stories made you laugh.  I know they are the only thing that makes riding the bus bearable, because I know I will get to laugh.

Hope everyone has a happy and safe New Year!


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