Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Is it worth it?

It has been over a week since he left.  There is a good chance that he will never come home.  There is a good chance he will...still don't know.  I had a dream the other night that I went to Uganda just to find him. 

I read a blog the other day about the riskiness of love.  I have been thinking of it ever since.  Why do we risk it all for love? 

Because we know it is worth it.

I take a chance on loving these kids because I know that it is worth it.  They are worth it.  I risk it because I know that even though there will be difficult days and plenty of heartbreaks, in the end the reward will be greater than the pain. 

Love is a scary thing.  True love, love the Bible talks about, love that Jesus shows us, means that we have to put another person's needs before our own.  We are selfish by nature.  It isn't easy to put someone else first.  In love, your happiness and joy is directly related to that of the other person's.  When you have only known pain or hurt, how scary a thought to let someone else be in control of your happiness.  When people that you have loved have only disappointed you and shown you that love doesn't exist, why would you take the risk?

The boys continue to teach me more and more every day.  Now he is teaching me that love is a luxury that I have had the joy of experiencing.  It doesn't always work, but I have learned that love is always worth the risk.

He hasn't experienced that.  Probably none of them have.

They have learned that it is better to keep everyone out.  To protect themselves by not feeling anything for anyone. 

I wish they could see that love is always worth the risk.  I wish they could understand that love is good and beautiful, it is people that are flawed and hurtful. 

I choose to love everyday even though it is difficult and I get hurt.  Right now, all of the boys are angry at me and sometimes mean because it has been so long since I left, they don't believe I am coming back.  They are hurting, so they hurt me with their words.  His leaving has hurt me so much, I can't begin to describe the heartbreak.

But I know times will get better.  Love will win and there will be happy days again.

It is so funny that when I brought the boys into the home, I only thought about how much their lives would be changed.  How they would have a future and a chance at life again.  Truth is, my life has definitely been changed.  Every day, I see Jesus.  I see His heart.  I see and experience opportunities to love like He did.  It is amazing.

Even though I love him so much, I still have 16 other boys at home that need me.  Yet I still want to risk everything to find him, to show him I still love him no matter what.  I can't forget that he is missing.  Then the obvious occurred to me.  He is like the lost sheep or the prodigal son.  It doesn't matter how many are at home, when one is missing, I feel it.  I am sad.  I am heartbroken.  I want to find him.  God doesn't care how many of us He already has, when one of us leaves, He is sad, heartbroken and wants us to come back.

I hope his story ends the same as the prodigal son.  I hope he realizes his mistakes and comes home.  I hope he learns that love is scary, it can be brutal, but it is always worth it.  How happy a day it will be when he comes home.  How I will rejoice and my heart will finally be at ease again.  Home will finally be home again.  

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