Monday, October 1, 2012


It seems like I have been in the US forever now and Uganda is still so far away!  It is humbling to talk to the kids and hear the changes that are happening and know that I am not part of it.  Most of the kids are finally at a point where everyday they are changing.  They are growing up and I can hear it in our phone conversations.  I am so happy, overjoyed really, that they are finally getting it.  It is also a tad bittersweet.  Selfishly, I wish I was there to witness it.  I know when I do finally get back, they will be different kids.  The uncle, Steven, told me the other day that he was going to send some photos to me because I had taken so long without seeing the boys and I wouldn't believe how grown they were starting to look.  I believe it.  I saw a photo of John not too long ago when he went back to his village for the first time.  He was definitely starting to look like a young man, not the little boy I left in March.

I feel like I am in a really weird place. Not just because I am in one location and desperately wanting to be in another.  But mostly because I am in a really weird place spiritually.  I am in a place where I am trusting and believing God for a miracle and at the same time angry at Him because I am missing so much.  Every day that passes, I feel like I have missed something else of the boys' lives.  Because they came into my life at an older age, there are things that I will never know about them.  And I feel like I am missing even more of their lives.

Some days, it is really hard not to be angry.

Some days it is really hard not to be an emotional wreck.

Some days, I feel like it is best to give up because it hurts too much to keep going and it isn't making a difference anyway.

But each day, I manage to keep it together for one more day.  To tell myself that we will have the rest of our lives together.  Deep down, I know it is worth it.  I know they are worth it.  I know HE is worth it.

Despite me and my almost daily temper tantrums, I know He still loves me more than anything.  I know He loves the boys more than I can even begin to.  I know He wants what is best for us.  I know His plan is far better than mine.  I know He is working even though I don't see it.  And most of all, I know through it all,  He is in control and He is the one taking care of those boys.  I am just the lucky one that gets to tag along.

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