I feel like I am in a really weird place. Not just because I am in one location and desperately wanting to be in another. But mostly because I am in a really weird place spiritually. I am in a place where I am trusting and believing God for a miracle and at the same time angry at Him because I am missing so much. Every day that passes, I feel like I have missed something else of the boys' lives. Because they came into my life at an older age, there are things that I will never know about them. And I feel like I am missing even more of their lives.
Some days, it is really hard not to be angry.
Some days it is really hard not to be an emotional wreck.
Some days, I feel like it is best to give up because it hurts too much to keep going and it isn't making a difference anyway.
But each day, I manage to keep it together for one more day. To tell myself that we will have the rest of our lives together. Deep down, I know it is worth it. I know they are worth it. I know HE is worth it.
Despite me and my almost daily temper tantrums, I know He still loves me more than anything. I know He loves the boys more than I can even begin to. I know He wants what is best for us. I know His plan is far better than mine. I know He is working even though I don't see it. And most of all, I know through it all, He is in control and He is the one taking care of those boys. I am just the lucky one that gets to tag along.