A crazy thing

Some days, I wonder how on earth I thought that all of this would be possible...or even a good idea.

It is a lot and some days really difficult.  It just piles up and becomes so overwhelming I feel like the responsibilities are crushing and suffocating me.

I worry about how the boys are growing up and if they are learning all of the lessons that they need to be successful men.  I am so far away and not part of their daily lives.  I worry.  Sometimes too much.

It is in those moments, that I feel so overwhelmed.

If I don't step back, sometimes I can hardly breathe.

But I pull myself together because I know I have hope.

I wanted to write this over Easter, but time got away from me and Easter came and went.  But in reality, every day is Easter.  He is still risen.  Yesterday.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Always.

Our Savior is risen.

And that is why I have hope.

I have hope because I know He will take care of the kids.

I have hope because I know that He will provide all we need.

I have hope because I know He is working non stop for us.

So even though times are tough right now, I can dream about days in the future when the kids are grown up.  When they really have become men.  When they have families and we get together for family dinners and laugh about all of the headaches they gave me when they were younger.  Of the days when their time on the street doesn't crush them and make them run over nothing.  A day when they can trust instead of fear.  A day when they will talk their problems through instead of fighting or running.  A day when "normal" isn't too much.  A day when they believe they are worthy of love and believe they have a future.

And because of a God that loves me, that conquered death and the grave,  I know that day will come.

It doesn't make sense.

None of it.

But that is the crazy thing about faith.  And love.

Rarely does it ever make sense.

But that doesn't stop us from believing.

Dreams

I imagine every parent has big dreams for their kids, what they will be when they grow up, who they will marry, what kind of house they will live in, what kind of person they will be...

Even though I have been a parent to some of these boys for only a few months, I still have big dreams for them.  I know they are amazing kids.  I see how smart they are, how clever, how resourceful, how kind and compassionate.  I see them being doctors and lawyers.  I see them doing great things for their country.

But they don't.

I have always said that as long as they grow up into good, godly men that honor their wife and children I will be happy.  And that is completely and totally true.  However, I still dream and see the potential.

But they don't.

This weekend, reality kind of hit me full force.  I wasn't prepared for it and it broke my heart.  At the beginning of the school term, I pushed one boy to enroll even though he told me he didn't think he could handle it.  I assured him he could, encouraged him , and told him how smart I knew he was.  I pushed because as long as I have known him, he has wanted to be in school.  So much of his childhood was robbed from him and I didn't want school to be also.  I knew then, just like I still believe that he is smart and clever and he would excel in school.  But he has given up.

I couldn't convince him of what I saw in him.  He wouldn't believe that it would get easier.  He instead got down on his knees and begged me not to make him go back and to forgive him for disappointing me.  He said he was too old.  He was bigger than everyone at school, even the teachers.  He even informed me that now he was growing a beard.  He told me he felt like he was wasting time, he should be working.  He told me he was at an age where he should be working not studying in primary 3.  He assured me he would be fine in life even though he can't read or write.  He said many people are just fine and they don't speak English.

And with that, my dreams for him died.

If he was 10 years old, maybe I could make him go to school.  But he's at least 16, and he says 18.  He has been running his life for the last I don't know how long.  I can't make him do anything.  All I can do is suggest and hope he listens.

This time he won't.

Because of the injustice and unfairness of his life, now even his education has been robbed from him.  He isn't the only one.  There are others in the house that won't ever have stepped foot in the classroom.  Never, not once.  Education isn't a right in Uganda, it is a privilege.  And for too many, a privilege they will never have.

It isn't fair.  He shouldn't have to give up on his education.  But that is the reality of life in Uganda.  Doesn't matter how much you love school, and he really did, sometimes it doesn't even matter how well you perform at school, education isn't a right.  And many kids, now including some of mine, lose that chance everyday.

If I am this heartbroken over it, imagine how he feels....

New normal

Recently, I read the title to something and it said, "Jesus wrecked my life."  I didn't read the whole thing, so I don't know what that person had to say or what it was about.  But after a hard last week with the boys, it made me think...

Jesus wrecked my life too and I couldn't be happier!

I am sure the other article was going in the same way I am but here is my version.

I grew up a Christian but that didn't mean much to me until a friend invited me to an amazing church about 6 years ago.  It wasn't until I found a church where I felt at home that my faith started to grow.  Soon I started to have a personal relationship with Jesus and finally started listening to what He wanted for my life.

Before God called me to Uganda over 2 years ago, I had big dreams.  Dreams of a big house and nice car.  Dreams of an amazing career working for the UN traveling all over the world or a professor teaching at a famous university writing tons of books.  I had lots of dreams and ambitions.  I dreamt of living in Chicago or another big city.  I had a wonderful life planned out in my head.  It was going to be amazing.  A life where I had everything I could ever possibly want.

And then Jesus ruined it...

God called me to Uganda and showed me it wasn't my life to live.  He showed me my life was a gift from Him and the greatest way to say thanks was to live a life that honored Him and to follow His will for my life.  So in essence, yes Jesus wrecked the life I had planned.  He turned it upside down and inside out.  But He also showed me it wasn't my life to plan out.  It was our Father's.  And He planned it a long time ago.

And good thing He did!

He has given me more than I ever could have dreamed.  He gave me things that I didn't even know that I wanted.  Nineteen "things" actually and hopefully more in the future.  Even though I had an amazing life planned out, the life God had planned for me is beyond amazing.  Epically amazing!

Sometimes it is difficult but He always gives me the strength and steps in when I miserably fail.  Last week was a difficult week with the boys changing schools.  The students and teachers at the new schools weren't being kind to the boys and were making fun of them for being so behind and so big in such low grades.  It really hurt the boys and some even refused to go to school.  Some came to their senses and went back after a day or so, but one boy stubbornly refused all week.  I was talking to a friend and I told her I couldn't wait for things to be normal again and she informed me this was my new normal.

New normal...

At first it scared me but then I realized...

I have 19 boys that I love so much.  I love them just as much on their good days, as on their bad.  Like any other family, we have our good days and bad.  We fight and argue.  We disagree and annoy each other.  And we challenge each other.  How we challenge each other!!!  But at the end of the day, this is the life God called me to.  Jesus ruined my life to bring me into His.  It is my new normal.  And I love every second of it!