Some days, I wonder how on earth I thought that all of this would be possible...or even a good idea.
It is a lot and some days really difficult. It just piles up and becomes so overwhelming I feel like the responsibilities are crushing and suffocating me.
I worry about how the boys are growing up and if they are learning all of the lessons that they need to be successful men. I am so far away and not part of their daily lives. I worry. Sometimes too much.
It is in those moments, that I feel so overwhelmed.
If I don't step back, sometimes I can hardly breathe.
But I pull myself together because I know I have hope.
I wanted to write this over Easter, but time got away from me and Easter came and went. But in reality, every day is Easter. He is still risen. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Always.
Our Savior is risen.
And that is why I have hope.
I have hope because I know He will take care of the kids.
I have hope because I know that He will provide all we need.
I have hope because I know He is working non stop for us.
So even though times are tough right now, I can dream about days in the future when the kids are grown up. When they really have become men. When they have families and we get together for family dinners and laugh about all of the headaches they gave me when they were younger. Of the days when their time on the street doesn't crush them and make them run over nothing. A day when they can trust instead of fear. A day when they will talk their problems through instead of fighting or running. A day when "normal" isn't too much. A day when they believe they are worthy of love and believe they have a future.
And because of a God that loves me, that conquered death and the grave, I know that day will come.
It doesn't make sense.
None of it.
But that is the crazy thing about faith. And love.
Rarely does it ever make sense.
But that doesn't stop us from believing.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
I wish
These last few weeks, I have been really discouraged and felt like I was being attacked on all sides. I felt like someone was doing everything they could to make me want to give up on Uganda, to give up on the boys. Things I was really hopeful about, didn't work out. My dog died. Promises of help, never came through. Unkind words. One of the boys ran away. For others, it seems so easy. Crisis after crisis and I am not there.
So many things.
And I thought, maybe Uganda isn't in God's plan for me. Maybe that is why I am not back. Maybe I should give up, just get a job, and send money. The kids will be fine.
I actually considered it. In a moment of frustration and weakness, I considered never returning to Uganda. I thought about what I could do here, what kind of job I could have.
Ugh.
That is all I can say for that.
Thankfully yesterday happened and my hope has been restored. Even when I am angry at God or doubting that He has great things in store for me, He still loves me and wants to give me hope and encouragement. Yesterday was my reminder.
It started out at the market. It was an amazing day and people were buying the jewelry before I even had it displayed. They had kind and encouraging words. I left the market knowing that God loved these kids, He put them in my life and He would bring our family back together when the time was right. He promises that He will make everything beautiful in its time. I left the market knowing that when the time was right, it would be the most beautiful of days when I get back to Uganda.
It was enough.
But He didn't stop there.
I talked to the boys for over an hour. I had to apologize to one because I got angry the last time I spoke to him and it wasn't his fault. I thought he wouldn't want to talk to me but he did. He accepted my apology and moved on and was laughing and joking with me.
But He didn't stop there.
I was talking to one of the boys that has had a difficult time adjusting to living in the home. When he first got there, he stole so many things from everyone and caused so many problems until we discovered it was him. He has ran away at least twice, one time coming back with chicken pox. He is different now and is working really hard at school and trying to behave well.
The last time we talked last week he told me he had a story he wanted to tell me. As he was telling me the story, we ran out of airtime. I kind of forgot about it until yesterday. He said to me, "Don't you remember I was telling you a story? I never finished." And he began his story again. It was his story. His story of how he came into the house. When he was finished he said, "I sit here and wonder, why you took me? I was a bad boy. I don't get it."
I asked him if he wanted to know why and of course he said yes. I told him that I loved him and thought he deserved a chance. I told him I knew he could be different. I told him I knew he could be a good boy, I saw something in him and believed in him even if he didn't.
My wish?
That these kids could see themselves how I do, or more importantly how God does. I wish that they could see that they were wonderfully made by an everlasting God with unfailing love. I wish that they could put their trust in their Creator knowing He made each one of them for a purpose. A good purpose.
The kids aren't the only ones that need that reminder. Sometimes I do too. Maybe so do you?
Today my hope is restored. My faith is in a God that loves these kids, and me, more than I can ever imagine. He works everything for His good. He makes everything beautiful in its time...in His time.
I pray that I never forget that again. I pray friends that you never forget it either and it would give you comfort if you are struggling or doubting of the great plans He has in store for you.
So many things.
And I thought, maybe Uganda isn't in God's plan for me. Maybe that is why I am not back. Maybe I should give up, just get a job, and send money. The kids will be fine.
I actually considered it. In a moment of frustration and weakness, I considered never returning to Uganda. I thought about what I could do here, what kind of job I could have.
Ugh.
That is all I can say for that.
Thankfully yesterday happened and my hope has been restored. Even when I am angry at God or doubting that He has great things in store for me, He still loves me and wants to give me hope and encouragement. Yesterday was my reminder.
It started out at the market. It was an amazing day and people were buying the jewelry before I even had it displayed. They had kind and encouraging words. I left the market knowing that God loved these kids, He put them in my life and He would bring our family back together when the time was right. He promises that He will make everything beautiful in its time. I left the market knowing that when the time was right, it would be the most beautiful of days when I get back to Uganda.
It was enough.
But He didn't stop there.
I talked to the boys for over an hour. I had to apologize to one because I got angry the last time I spoke to him and it wasn't his fault. I thought he wouldn't want to talk to me but he did. He accepted my apology and moved on and was laughing and joking with me.
But He didn't stop there.
I was talking to one of the boys that has had a difficult time adjusting to living in the home. When he first got there, he stole so many things from everyone and caused so many problems until we discovered it was him. He has ran away at least twice, one time coming back with chicken pox. He is different now and is working really hard at school and trying to behave well.
The last time we talked last week he told me he had a story he wanted to tell me. As he was telling me the story, we ran out of airtime. I kind of forgot about it until yesterday. He said to me, "Don't you remember I was telling you a story? I never finished." And he began his story again. It was his story. His story of how he came into the house. When he was finished he said, "I sit here and wonder, why you took me? I was a bad boy. I don't get it."
I asked him if he wanted to know why and of course he said yes. I told him that I loved him and thought he deserved a chance. I told him I knew he could be different. I told him I knew he could be a good boy, I saw something in him and believed in him even if he didn't.
My wish?
That these kids could see themselves how I do, or more importantly how God does. I wish that they could see that they were wonderfully made by an everlasting God with unfailing love. I wish that they could put their trust in their Creator knowing He made each one of them for a purpose. A good purpose.
The kids aren't the only ones that need that reminder. Sometimes I do too. Maybe so do you?
Today my hope is restored. My faith is in a God that loves these kids, and me, more than I can ever imagine. He works everything for His good. He makes everything beautiful in its time...in His time.
I pray that I never forget that again. I pray friends that you never forget it either and it would give you comfort if you are struggling or doubting of the great plans He has in store for you.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Dreams
I imagine every parent has big dreams for their kids, what they will be when they grow up, who they will marry, what kind of house they will live in, what kind of person they will be...
Even though I have been a parent to some of these boys for only a few months, I still have big dreams for them. I know they are amazing kids. I see how smart they are, how clever, how resourceful, how kind and compassionate. I see them being doctors and lawyers. I see them doing great things for their country.
But they don't.
I have always said that as long as they grow up into good, godly men that honor their wife and children I will be happy. And that is completely and totally true. However, I still dream and see the potential.
But they don't.
This weekend, reality kind of hit me full force. I wasn't prepared for it and it broke my heart. At the beginning of the school term, I pushed one boy to enroll even though he told me he didn't think he could handle it. I assured him he could, encouraged him , and told him how smart I knew he was. I pushed because as long as I have known him, he has wanted to be in school. So much of his childhood was robbed from him and I didn't want school to be also. I knew then, just like I still believe that he is smart and clever and he would excel in school. But he has given up.
I couldn't convince him of what I saw in him. He wouldn't believe that it would get easier. He instead got down on his knees and begged me not to make him go back and to forgive him for disappointing me. He said he was too old. He was bigger than everyone at school, even the teachers. He even informed me that now he was growing a beard. He told me he felt like he was wasting time, he should be working. He told me he was at an age where he should be working not studying in primary 3. He assured me he would be fine in life even though he can't read or write. He said many people are just fine and they don't speak English.
And with that, my dreams for him died.
If he was 10 years old, maybe I could make him go to school. But he's at least 16, and he says 18. He has been running his life for the last I don't know how long. I can't make him do anything. All I can do is suggest and hope he listens.
This time he won't.
Because of the injustice and unfairness of his life, now even his education has been robbed from him. He isn't the only one. There are others in the house that won't ever have stepped foot in the classroom. Never, not once. Education isn't a right in Uganda, it is a privilege. And for too many, a privilege they will never have.
It isn't fair. He shouldn't have to give up on his education. But that is the reality of life in Uganda. Doesn't matter how much you love school, and he really did, sometimes it doesn't even matter how well you perform at school, education isn't a right. And many kids, now including some of mine, lose that chance everyday.
If I am this heartbroken over it, imagine how he feels....
Even though I have been a parent to some of these boys for only a few months, I still have big dreams for them. I know they are amazing kids. I see how smart they are, how clever, how resourceful, how kind and compassionate. I see them being doctors and lawyers. I see them doing great things for their country.
But they don't.
I have always said that as long as they grow up into good, godly men that honor their wife and children I will be happy. And that is completely and totally true. However, I still dream and see the potential.
But they don't.
This weekend, reality kind of hit me full force. I wasn't prepared for it and it broke my heart. At the beginning of the school term, I pushed one boy to enroll even though he told me he didn't think he could handle it. I assured him he could, encouraged him , and told him how smart I knew he was. I pushed because as long as I have known him, he has wanted to be in school. So much of his childhood was robbed from him and I didn't want school to be also. I knew then, just like I still believe that he is smart and clever and he would excel in school. But he has given up.
I couldn't convince him of what I saw in him. He wouldn't believe that it would get easier. He instead got down on his knees and begged me not to make him go back and to forgive him for disappointing me. He said he was too old. He was bigger than everyone at school, even the teachers. He even informed me that now he was growing a beard. He told me he felt like he was wasting time, he should be working. He told me he was at an age where he should be working not studying in primary 3. He assured me he would be fine in life even though he can't read or write. He said many people are just fine and they don't speak English.
And with that, my dreams for him died.
If he was 10 years old, maybe I could make him go to school. But he's at least 16, and he says 18. He has been running his life for the last I don't know how long. I can't make him do anything. All I can do is suggest and hope he listens.
This time he won't.
Because of the injustice and unfairness of his life, now even his education has been robbed from him. He isn't the only one. There are others in the house that won't ever have stepped foot in the classroom. Never, not once. Education isn't a right in Uganda, it is a privilege. And for too many, a privilege they will never have.
It isn't fair. He shouldn't have to give up on his education. But that is the reality of life in Uganda. Doesn't matter how much you love school, and he really did, sometimes it doesn't even matter how well you perform at school, education isn't a right. And many kids, now including some of mine, lose that chance everyday.
If I am this heartbroken over it, imagine how he feels....
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Day 6
Today made the whole week worth it but it didn't start out that way....
I woke up to Gina cooking food with the boys. I was a little bitter and annoyed by this seeing as how I wasn't going to get to eat. So I decided to stay in my room most of the morning. As if that was tempting enough, I got home from taking Richard to the hospital(He is fine, just has ear infection) and lunch was waiting on the table. I was really ready to give in. It is amazing how much you think about food when you can't eat.
We went to the market afterwards and you would have thought I was buying food for 50 people, not 15. Gina just kept looking at me funny as I was taking more and more vegetables. My stomach was doing the shopping...
We decided to visit one of the uncles and cook for him and the boys he stays with. We bought spaghetti which is a huge treat for the boys. What was supposed to be a simple evening hanging out, turned into one of the best nights I have had in Uganda. The uncle has about 7/8 other boys staying with him these days. In addition to the 3 that were already there. When we got to his house everyone was around and ready to help. Soon other boys from the program started showing up. His door is always open and the boys from the street will come by to visit, say hello, take a nap, etc. We ended up with around 20 people in all. Me, Gina, 3 uncles, 2 of my boys, and 12 others. Dinner became a group project and everyone did something from washing vegetables, chopping, cooking. We had so much fun cooking. The kids love to help and it isn't something that they get to experience too often. We had so much food (thanks to my hungry stomach ;-) and all of the boys had more than enough. As we were listening to the uncle share from the Bible after dinner, the boys got the super special treat of tea also.
Dan was there, which made me super happy. He is absolutely adorable to me and each day I am loving him even more. He used to be a quiet kid that wouldn't get too close. But these days, he has started hanging around more and more. We now play around by saying the same thing over and over to each other. I will greet him over and over and eventually it will just leave us laughing.
One of the best things of the night was the boys' gratitude. Besides each boy saying thank you like 5 times, several got up in front of everyone to say thank you. The boys are so humble and so grateful for the smallest things, it makes me want to give them the moon. One boy, Peter, told us thank you because they are going to sleep with full stomachs tonight and that doesn't happen very much.
Again my hope was restored tonight. When it was time to pray, each kid prayed and for some it was obvious that they were praying with all of their hearts. They believe in the God that I love and worship and believe that He will deliver them from their situation. Seeing them with hope, gives me so much more....
God bless!! :-)
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